100 (monologues) by Eric Bogosian

Author:Eric Bogosian [Bogosian, Eric]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781559367738
Publisher: Theatre Communications Group

55

INTRO

After “Molecules,” the audience has applauded weakly or not at all. The man picks up a hand mike and addresses the audience:

Thank you.

(Some people clap, if none clapped before.)

No, no, it’s too late. But thank you. I’m very happy you could all make it tonight. It really means a lot to me. Means a lot to all of us, I’m sure. Or maybe not, maybe it doesn’t mean anything, I don’t know.

But thanks anyway. It’s great that you’re all, uh, sitting out there and I’m standing up here, and you’re all, uh, you know, looking at me. I like to be looked at so, uh, thank you. You’re doing just what I want you to do. Just sit back, relax, put on your glasses, get out your binoculars, focus your telescopes ’cause here I am.

And I want to thank you for this opportunity to reveal myself. Expose myself. Strip naked, so to speak. Take it off. Take it all off. Really show you everything I can be. Which isn’t much, I know. I mean, if you’re disappointed, I understand. I’ve never really been a likable person. In fact I’m kind of an unlikable person. And, you know, maybe you’re a likable person, so maybe you feel superior to me because you’re easy to get along with and I’m not.

I don’t really care what you think.

But, so, uh, is everybody ready to have a good time? Just went out and had something to eat in the neighborhood? Maybe a little nouvelle cuisine before the show? (Addresses someone in the front row) Maybe a little wilted radicchio salad with a honey-mustard vinaigrette? Would you like some fresh pepper with that, sir? We have a very nice chardonnay. A very nice chardonnay. Would you like to hear today’s specials? . . . No. How ’bout the balcony? Something ethnic before you came by tonight? Something third world? A little couscous, maybe, tandoori, fajita, burrito? Nothing like a nice hot ethnic dish before you go to see that semi-expensive, semi-meaningful Off-Broadway show. Nothing like a nice hot dish from a country where no one can actually afford to eat the very thing you’re stuffing your face with. Waiter probably had rickets when he was a kid. “Here you go, sir . . . oh, thank you, a penny tip! I’m so happy now!”

Did you have some nice third-world beer with your burritos? Maybe some DOS EQUIS? Six-pack of Dos Equis? Down front here, a couple of bottles of chardonnay. Couple of hits of acid in the back row?

I don’t care what you do with your free time. You come in here and you’re just so comfortable and so easygoing and likable and you’re just such a nice person. And you come in here and you’ve got this attitude. No, no. I know the attitude. You don’t even clap when I kill myself on the first bit. You judge me. You sit there and you judge me. Don’t act like I can’t see you, I can see you.

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